Learn to Love Yourself First with Kayla Kim

Kayla Kim is a senior at Gonzaga University studying Sociology and Elementary Education. She loves poetry and has self-published two poetry collections (The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly and Chasing Sunsets) She also love reading books, journaling, going on long drives, and watching pretty sunsets.

every night i tuck

myself into bed and

learn how to fall a little more 

in love with the body

that lays with me

because for my entire life 

i have broken the only thing 

that was ever mine 

sacrificed it on the altar

of beauty and success 

no more and 

not a second longer 

never again will i force

this body to be what it

was never meant to be

i am reclaiming these legs

they carry me back home

i am looking down at this body asking 

how so much light and goodness 

can be contained inside flesh and bones 

for even when i was not entirely

convinced i mattered

this heart refused to stop beating

every molecule of my being

insisted on being 

you can’t possibly tell me that 

i do not belong here when i have 

been given a body that has 

fought to keep me here

i will learn to love it

Hi world! My name is Kayla Kim and I am a senior at Gonzaga University studying Sociology and Elementary Education. I have been writing poetry for several years now, and loving every second of it. This was a piece that I wrote sometime last year, in the midst of falling in and out of self-love. These were the words that I needed to hear at the time, and the words that I’m sharing with you now. 

Rupi Kaur once wrote, “"If I am the longest relationship of my life, isn't it time to nurture intimacy and love with the person I lie in bed with each night?"  I think that we spend a majority of our lives looking for the people around us to teach us how to love ourselves, when really love begins with us. As a college student, I know and live out of a scarcity mindset, meaning that self-care and healthy habits are the first to go in times of stress and busyness. I push my body past its limits and do whatever is needed to get the job done. However, lately I have found myself beginning the slow and good work of reclaiming who I am. I don’t want to force my body to be anything it's not--I want to celebrate it for all that it is. What a beautiful privilege it is to have a body, regardless of how it looks or feels day-to-day. I don’t want to lose sight of that, even when there is still more to be desired. Though my body isn’t perfect, it is good--maybe even very good. It carries me through my days, holds the story of my healing and growth, and fights for my health and survival. 

It is radical for me to begin to believe that my worth and identity is not dependent on how I feel day-to-day. Regardless of my own ideas of self, my heart keeps on beating and my body keeps on fighting. Whether or not I like how my body looks--it is my home, and I am learning how to love it.